Friday, November 29, 2013

What could have been

I feel like I've been so vague in discussing what I actually feel and how it's affecting my life.  It's time to be honest with myself.  When I started this blog I was filled with the most optimisium a person can have in a fun and exciting period of their early college days.  Okay maybe not that exciting, but exciting enough for me to look forward to an amazing future that I hoped for.  Nothing ever turns out the way you plan.  throughout the whole college experience I thought I found my niche in Marketing, that eventually led me to graduate with a BBA.  Somewhere between that period of starting my blog I contemplated studying abroad and I still don't understand how I let fear get the best of me.  Fear that I will lose my relationship if I went abroad, fear that I will be in debt of college loans, fear of not being about to fit in or adjust in that environment, and fear that I will be alone through the whole process.   I wish someone stopped me for a moment and really gave me chance to really see what an amazing experience that could've been.  Amazing in a sense of not just dreamlike, but a learning experience through the good and the bad.  Now I am at a position where I cannot travel on my own, nor have the funds to do so.  I am currently trying to build a career at a company that I started when I was 19.  I am doing the right steps, the same very strategic steps I took in college to attain my degree.  I do the work cover from cover, word by word.  I'm doing what I feel like I'm suppose to be doing, but why am I still not happy?  I admire people who love what they do for a living, and always dream that maybe I can be that happy one day too.  I wish I knew where to start, I feel that I don't have the passion, and I may not even have the drive.  I just know I still have time to pick up my missing pieces,  I wish I took a step back and really let myself be emerged in my dreams and not be set in my priorities. 


Turning back time in hopes of a future

Moving at a distance that you don't seem to be moving at all...

Taking a step back to move forward 

The same issues that never seem to go away

You are your own undoing

You create

You control

And you decide.


Thursday, November 21, 2013

A funny little thing called "Happiness"

I hate going through this blog, especially the posts that show the start of my dreams.  you can see the transitions of the beginning to middle, and hopefully not the end.  I start with optimisity(probably not a real word, though it should be), and engage with intent, filled with aspirations and dreams that are waiting to be discovered.  I say over an over what could've been, but never cease to admit that I defeated myself, and that I again am my own undoing.  I must in some how lost my sense of direction, I fill up with ideas that never come across, and are never sough after.  What is the purpose of dreams if they are left unfulfilled? 


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