Living in between moments.

I always wondered what I my younger self would think of the person I've become.  

Would I have been proud? disappointed? happy? 

That's the problem though, you never know until you get there.  

You can't judge from before, you can only move forward

Paths change, roads may be untaken

Regrets will just soak up all your energy

That's why I plan to start 2014 with a clean slate.

Wait not even 2014, let's start today

Let's start right now

Dreams are great, but pursuing them is even better.

I want to be happy, I want people the people around me to be happy

I want to pursue the dreams and hopes that I've been hiding behind in this blog

I want to make the change,

 make the mistakes, 

and become the person that I always knew I would be.

A.

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Losing yourself, finding yourself, and creating yourself.

An evolution of self.

Nothing more, nothing less

than you...

-A.

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Would we have been happy?

Would we have been happy if we never met?

Our lives would take different paths

The dreams we dreamt were ours

There would be no sadness

Taking in the unknown

Maybe it would have been for the best

If we lived our own lives...

-a.

Photo: Via WeHeartit.com

This the last time I am in denial.

In a state of denial, sadness, and uncertainty. I have to move forward, to overlook things that don't matter.  Change your surroundings, and change your state.  Growth is needed, change is inevitable. 

=

-A.

Hope

Something to look forward to this season...

Photos: Via WeHeartit.com

-A.

What could have been

I feel like I've been so vague in discussing what I actually feel and how it's affecting my life.  It's time to be honest with myself.  When I started this blog I was filled with the most optimisium a person can have in a fun and exciting period of their early college days.  Okay maybe not that exciting, but exciting enough for me to look forward to an amazing future that I hoped for.  Nothing ever turns out the way you plan.  throughout the whole college experience I thought I found my niche in Marketing, that eventually led me to graduate with a BBA.  Somewhere between that period of starting my blog I contemplated studying abroad and I still don't understand how I let fear get the best of me.  Fear that I will lose my relationship if I went abroad, fear that I will be in debt of college loans, fear of not being about to fit in or adjust in that environment, and fear that I will be alone through the whole process.   I wish someone stopped me for a moment and really gave me chance to really see what an amazing experience that could've been.  Amazing in a sense of not just dreamlike, but a learning experience through the good and the bad.  Now I am at a position where I cannot travel on my own, nor have the funds to do so.  I am currently trying to build a career at a company that I started when I was 19.  I am doing the right steps, the same very strategic steps I took in college to attain my degree.  I do the work cover from cover, word by word.  I'm doing what I feel like I'm suppose to be doing, but why am I still not happy?  I admire people who love what they do for a living, and always dream that maybe I can be that happy one day too.  I wish I knew where to start, I feel that I don't have the passion, and I may not even have the drive.  I just know I still have time to pick up my missing pieces,  I wish I took a step back and really let myself be emerged in my dreams and not be set in my priorities. 

-A.

Turning back time in hopes of a future

Moving at a distance that you don't seem to be moving at all...

Taking a step back to move forward 

The same issues that never seem to go away

You are your own undoing

You create

You control

And you decide.

-A.

A funny little thing called "Happiness"

I hate going through this blog, especially the posts that show the start of my dreams.  you can see the transitions of the beginning to middle, and hopefully not the end.  I start with optimisity(probably not a real word, though it should be), and engage with intent, filled with aspirations and dreams that are waiting to be discovered.  I say over an over what could've been, but never cease to admit that I defeated myself, and that I again am my own undoing.  I must in some how lost my sense of direction, I fill up with ideas that never come across, and are never sough after.  What is the purpose of dreams if they are left unfulfilled? 

A.

Start here...

Here's to new beginnings and optimisticity.

Optimisticity is probably not a real word, but my definition is: Of being optimistic in the most simple way you know how; your motivation.

I think I know what I want, but the reality of moving and working towards it seems like a lifetime away.  People always say you've accomplish a lot for your age, but I always think, no i haven't I barely began.  If I were to see myself from an outside perspective I would see a person that yeah, seems somewhat ambitious, but she's too vertical.  There are not side roads that she'll ever stop in, what she plan she executes.  There should be no room for spontaneity or god forbid mistakes.  I know this now, and I want to break down my walls, and adapt to change, to error.  Because as of right now, I am just me., I am vertical.

A.

Stunt in your own doing

You become so incline to please everyone but yourself.  You give before but never receive back.  Happiness is you own undoing, set the bar so your standards you hit will be for yourself.

Moving On and Moving Forward.

Its hard to start over in a sense when you leave your current position.  Taking that initial first step of sending your resumes to different companies already puts you in a vulnerable situation.  Do you leave or do you go?  The questions don't only stay with the job outlook, but moving into a different country where you barely speak an ounce of the native language.  I never went away for college or lived on my own, I've been stuck in this bubble for way too long.  I've always made planned out decisions, it may be time for me to just jump and let myself fall. 

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-A.

Changing through your experience, lost, passion, growth.

The way you understand and perceive life when you were younger is so different where you see yourself now.  The present is scary enough to accept, and the future will just begin in an instant.  You try so hard not to repeat your past, but at times you cannot help but run back to familiar roads.  Why chance it when you don't have to.   Fear is always there, but how will you grow if you don't give yourself a chance, no one else will.

Patience seems to always be tested with me.

Ever feel like you've been on a never ending treadmill? That's I feel I've been feeling for awhile...  I hate feeling like I'm never getting to my destination.  Maybe that's my problem, I'm waiting and not pursuing.  It's easier to blame everyone else but yourself.  There are still some outside factors that you may never have control of.  I've began to start taking to heart what I write, scribble down, and say.  Because what I say or write does not always reflect in my actions.  A good friend told me I had an "old soul," and I didn't realize what she meant until these past couple of weeks.  I looked back on how I react and feel about certain things in my life.  I never felt the same way majority of my friends did in the past, I was always the mature one, the one that lead everyone into the "right" direction.  I never made the mistakes that my friends made, I just assumed I learned from theirs.  I wonder if I had actually made those same mistakes, would I feel better of where I stand today? That's a question I will seek an answer to for the rest of my life.

♥ A. 

It started with Goodbye.

It''s funny when something comes to an end you always think of the beginning.  You tend to never look forward, and assumptions take over.  There's been quite a change in my life right now I never really stopped to take it in.  I kept moving forward, maybe not even forward...I stayed in the present and never appreciated this opportunity.  I "opportunity" as means that I have this time to gain perspective of myself.  

You tend to lose yourself in an instant, but gaining it back is even harder...

A.

Photos: Via Weheartit

Truly mesmerized

I finally got a chance to watch The Great Gatsby today and I found myself mesmerized by story and Gatsby just as I did the first time I read the novel.  The costumes and jewelry by Prada and Tiffany & Co. all made it to be a perfect affair.  The movie was modern and classic at the same time.  There were too many things attracting you(in a good way) between the actors and costumes. You are stopped transfixed in this era, and into Gatsby's world.

Photos via: http://www.ontheredcarpet.com

-A.

Perception of unrealistic intentions

It's funny to think things are set in a way that you know the outcome.  You are so set in your ways of confidence, that you forgot you fell once  Mistakes are made, and you think you learned your lesson.  In reality you keep beating that door hoping it will open, and you go on with these unrealistic dreams.

Picture: WeHeartit

A.